Thursday, November 5, 2015

4 - Boomtown


4.



              The meteors changed everything.

That might seem like a stupidly obvious thing to say, but most human infrastructure was not built to deal with the scenario that the universe starts hucking a non-stop barrage of rocks at us.

Before the meteors, there were legions of satellites orbiting the planet, enabling our entire data-driven culture. GPS, TV, telecom, weather forecasting, military intelligence, astronomy, cartography, disaster relief – all built on a robust, highly redundant system of orbital machinery that punctured, cracked, and collapsed entirely in a matter of weeks. The airline industry collapsed. The shipping industry collapsed. Solar energy, which had been thisclose to becoming a viable worldwide savior, was suddenly a complete boondoggle, with thousands of flat, brittle acres of solar panel becoming so much high-tech swiss cheese.

There was a rush on oil, a rush on coal, a rush on cash, rushes on food, on water, on medicine. There were riots. Panic. Cults. Mass suicides. Mass murders. Societal and economic collapses and rebounds and recollapses. And this was all in the first three months.

But then, somehow, equilibrium. Starting with, of course, the British.

As the rest of the world panicked, the Brits went to the print shop. They reclaimed a piece of their history from the garbage bin of pop culture.

KEEP CALM

and

CARRY ON

Those red posters popped up everywhere. Not ironically, not as a meme, not to sell vodka, but as an honest to god bridge back to the past, a reminder that for the Brits, death from above was just another day at the office.

The French could hardly let the British out-poise them. And the Germans couldn’t let the French show more resolve. World War II nostalgia swept the continent, and Europe collectively dusted itself off, stood up, and sneered skyward.

Russia opened a bottle and shrugged forward, cynicism intact. China rallied gloriously, Japan started working the problem. These were the struts that helped prop the rest of the world to its feet.

The Americans took a different approach.

Within days of the first meteor impacts on US soil, Congress called for an immediate and dramatic increase in defense spending. The goal: to create a national umbrella that would detect, intercept, and eliminate all incoming space debris and make America safe again, by God.

NASA was quickly absorbed into the effort, all funding and personnel placed under the discretion of the Department of Defense, and the country’s top minds and biggest guns set to work creating completely insane, unbelievably expensive systems to try to stop a literally unending barrage of rocky debris travelling toward Earth at around seventy times the speed of sound. Most of the plans involved lasers.

While the government assured the American people that a space defense system was just around the corner, the people themselves took matter into their own hands, mostly through prayer and social media. Millions of people changed their Facebook picture to Bruce Willis, specifically to his character from Armageddon, as a sign that they would not be intimidated by a bunch of lousy space boulders. Prayer groups formed nationwide, sincerely requesting that God take a break from hucking rocks at them.

While the rest of the world adjusted, and adapted, America clung firmly to the idea that This Should Not Be Happening.

But it was happening, and it did happen. Dust was the norm; people got up in the morning and cleared the grit from their cars before driving into work. And as the months stretched on, more and more people were claimed by chunks, which were loosely defined as fist-sized rocks. An entire vocabulary was evolving around what had essentially become a new, everyday form of precipitation. Dust stopped meaning dust, and grit stopped meaning grit, in their respective traditional senses. Chunks were chunks (in fact, “Chunks Happen,” became a popular bumper-sticker slogan, as chunks seemed to have an almost supernatural tendency to hit cars). Hunks were bigger than chunks. Smashers would take out a house. Anything above a smasher was usually a major event. Buildings went down. Towns got wiped out. If you heard a newscaster say “There’s been a major event in Des Moises, Iowa, then Des Moines, Iowa was probably not there anymore.”

There were also cataclysmic events. In theory, anyhow. Those were the ones the agency formerly known as NASA were worried about, those were the ones big enough to see coming. Those were the ones that would knock Earth on its collective ass. Earth had dodged the cataclysmic event so far, and maybe it would forever. Or maybe not.

But as the rocks fell, and fell, and fell, the world collected data. It sorted numbers, compiled results, fed vast tracts of facts and figures to its best silicon minds, and a pattern emerged. Or a whole in the pattern, anyway: one town in central New York, a little dot on the map called Owego, had never been hit. By anything. Not a single grain of grit, not a single speck of dust. Ten miles to the east, ten miles to the west – fair game. You could literally walk to the edge of the township, take a single step forward, and immediately feel a pelting of debris. Take a step back, and nothing.

There was nothing else like it on Earth. The impacts petered off a bit at the poles, but even there they were inescapable. No other country, no other continent had a spot like Owego, a spot literally untouched by the cosmic rockfall that had forced its way into everyday reality for the rest of the globe.

America rallied back to life. It might have been just a few square miles, and it might have been just a few thousand people, but the one safe town on Earth was on American soil, and thus followed one indisputable fact: somehow, someway, America itself was exceptional.

 Suddenly, a little town in central New York became the most important spot on Earth. And everybody wanted a piece of it.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

3 - Boomtown


3.



              The house was quiet, just the soft creak of her clients upstairs. These were nice people, the Kellys, she had gone to school with Ben Kelly’s sister, Jill, and Ben had been a nice kid who had grown into a decent young man, and his wife Angie was lovely, gentle, soft-spoken, but there was no way they could afford this place. Twenty years ago, this place would have gone for ninety, maybe a hundred. She’d sell it this week for half a million without even trying. Some Californian, arms loaded with cash, fleeing to the last safe place on Earth.

              The town was flooding with crazy. It was brimming with terrible people, shallow terrible people, because shallow terrible people are usually the ones with the money, and you needed money now to live in Owego. This little town, this little nothing of a town, this place she had loved and hated, where she had been loved and learned to hate, her perfect sleepy little nothing of a town was a circus, and if it was still her home, it was hers barely, hers by the tips of her nails.

              See the good. She had done and tried to do, she looked for good everywhere, under rocks and is dusty old cupboards, in the eyes of the people she increasingly didn’t know as she passed them on the street, transplants who looked at her like a charming native plant on their way to the swim-up bar. This place was her home and she was losing it to an ocean of money and fake tans and faker smiles.

              She found the good, twice a day. The good woke her in the morning and let her tuck them in every night. If this was the last safe place on Earth, and she prayed to God it was, she wasn’t leaving. Come money or the devil himself, she would stand her ground for them, she would do what she had to do. Even if she had to sell the rest of the town out from under everyone else she knew and ever loved, she would hold one piece, that piece, for them.

              The Kellys came downstairs, Ben and Angie, and they looked back up behind them, half-smiling, not smiling at all, really, but pretending to. They weren’t here to buy. They were here to wish, to picture the life that might have unrolled for them, nothing much, a little home in their hometown, someplace their kids could grow up with the kids of the people they’d been kids with. Ten years ago, people she knew were scrambling to get out of Owego, eager to hit the coasts and find themselves. Now the coasts were flooding back in.

              “What do you think?”

              “It’s nice.”

              “There’s another place across town, near OES. I can show you?”

              “Don’t you have another appointment?”

              “I can be late.”

              She shouldn’t have offered. She wasn’t offering for them. She was offering for herself, and she felt sick with guilt when she realized it. Ben stepped forward while Angie pretended to admire the wainscoting.

              “I just don’t think we can, Terri. Is there anything, y’know, less?”

              There wasn’t. There wouldn’t be. Even the apartments in town were converting to condos, and those places were double what people like Ben and Angie could afford.

              “I’ll keep an eye open for you guys, okay?”

              Ben nodded and looked away. They’d start looking outside of town, she knew, maybe out to Binghamton or Johnson City. Close enough to be familiar, close enough to hold on to the illusion that whatever was keeping Owego safe would maybe bleed over a little toward them. But Binghamton had been hit just as much as anywhere else, so had Johnson City, or Vestal, Horseheads. Every place but here was fair game.

              Ben nodded again at nothing, and he went to Angie, and he put his hand on her belly, and Terri realized for the first time that they were expecting. She excused herself to go upstairs and turn off the lights, and she ducked into the bathroom and threw up as quietly as she could.

              She cleaned herself up and stared herself down in the mirror. The town was dying, and she had a hand on the knife.

              Her phone buzzed. She let it, it went to voicemail with a chirp. She headed down the stairs and it buzzed again. She pulled it out, checked the number, and swallowed down another wave of nausea.

              “Everything okay?” Ben looked up the stairs at her. She nodded.

              “I need to take this. You two okay letting yourselves out?”

              Ben shrugged, and they did, and the phone buzzed in her hand. She answered it like she didn’t know who was calling.

              “Terri Dyers.”

              “Terri. It’s Cathy Jaeger.”

              “Oh, hi Cathy,” she lied brightly, “How are you?”

              “Pretty good. Except I’m dying is all.”

              Terri sat on the stairs.

              “Oh my God.”

              “Yeah. So, anyway, could you sell my house?”    

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

2 - Boomtown


2.

              So. I guess I’m going home. My mom says she’s dying.  

              The last time I went home, I flew. That’s not really an option these days, what with the constant rain of debris hurtling down from outer space, so the best I can do is a train from San Francisco to Chicago, and then a bus the rest of the way. It’ll take about four days, if I’m lucky.

              The last time I was home, it was Christmas 2006, and warm. Shirtsleeve warm. I flew into Rochester and then took a rental Impala down the 96 to Owego, stopping at a few wineries along the way, mostly because I hadn’t remembered to buy anyone any presents, and most of my siblings still drank back then.

Going to wineries by yourself is weird. It’s uncomfortably weird. A few of them were places I’d been before, back with Terri, and part of me kept expecting her to walk in, like my being back in New York would draw her out to me, like I was a magnet. Or chum.

But anyway, the places were bustling – tour groups amped up by the unlikely mixture of holiday spirit and warm sun, couples on romantic dates (Terri? No. Too short.), families making the trek north, bringing their smart kids home for the holidays from Cornell. And me, by myself, like an idiot, like that kid who went to the prom by himself. Nobody stared at me, but that was fine, I stared at myself on their behalf.

One place was quiet, and of course it was, it had to be, because it was the one place I would have felt less awkward in a crowd, and I’m not even sure why I stopped there. Walking in, it looked the same as it had back in 2001. The light was different, colder, but it was winter, and it had been summer before. The old guy behind the wine tasting bar was the same, five years older in theory, but identical. In my head, the conversation he and I were going to have went like this:

“Say, don’t I know you?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Sure I do. You’re that fella who proposed in here a few years back.”

“You must have me mixed up with someone else.”

“Aww. No. I never forget a face. You’re the fella.”

At this point I’d nod, sheepishly, and say “Yeah. I suppose I am.”

“How’d things work out for you two?”

And I’d pause, and look off into the distance, or down into the bar probably, and I’d say something cool and sad, like “It didn’t.”

And he’d nod, y’know, sagely, and he’d pour me a glass of wine. “On the house, kid.”

In reality, as soon as I walked in, he told me he had to close up shop early because his sciatica was acting up, but he’d be happy to sell me something first if I knew what I wanted.

I didn’t.

Anyway, this time, I’m taking a train home, and then a bus. I’m not planning to stop at any wineries.



Monday, November 2, 2015

NaNoWriMo: Why the hell not?

So, this morning, I decided to just go for it and jump on the NaNoWriMo bandwagon. To keep myself honest, I decided to post my stuff here on my poor, long-neglected blog as soon as I'm done writing it. Which mean, most days, I'll post once in the morning (after my bus ride into work) and once at night (after my bus ride home). And if I can squeeze out some extra writing time at night after the kids are in bed, or during my lunch break or whatever, I'll post stuff then, too.

So, without further ado, straight from the seat of my pants, is chapter one of my NaNoWriMo novel, Boomtown.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Casting sheet for upcoming Gotham PD live-action series!


I don’t know if you heard about this, but they’re starting production on a new live-action TV series, set in Gotham City before the emergence of Batman. The series will center on a young Jim Gordon as he rises through the ranks of the Gotham PD, and deals with the rising influence of an eccentric and dangerous new breed of criminal.
It sounds pretty good! You could really go a lot of ways with a show like this. You could do the police procedural angle, or the masked vigilante angle (Jim Gordon as Gotham’s first, unsung masked vigilante? Could happen!), or maybe even the Law & Order angle, where Jim Gordon busts the criminals while a sexy, sexy female DA handles the convictions.
Which is all great. But…
So not too many people have seen this, but there’s an official casting sheet for the show making the rounds. If you don’t know, a casting sheet is what gets sent to actors’ agencies; it gives a basic description of a show’s characters (both physical and personality-wise) so an agency can submit possible candidates.
The casting sheet for this Gotham PD show is… odd. Like this one:
Renee Montoya (age 16): Montoya is a tough kid from the streets. She doesn’t trust cops. She runs with a bad crowd but she’s got a good heart. If you look past the petty crimes and the don’t-care attitude, you can tell she’d be a natural cop. Medium height, Hispanic or “Hispanic-y”. Possibly Korean. Japanese ok, if she can pull off a Korean accent while speaking Spanish. Bonus if actor has only one arm, or is willing to have one arm removed. Parkour skills a plus.
That’s just… that’s just weird, right? Can you even call someone Hispanic-y? I’m not even sure I should be writing that word.
Anyway, it gets weirder. Here’s the write-up for Jim Gordon himself:
Jim Gordon (age 29): He’s only been on the force for a few years, but he’s already made a name for himself. The good cops love him and the crooked cops want him to have an “accident”. Very fit, but carries the weight of the world on his shoulders. Good with a threat, his fists, or a gun, and knows when to use each. Dark hair. Note: Actor should be comfortable in full drag, as he will also be playing Jim Gordon’s twin sister, Ginny Gordon.
I seriously don’t ever remember Jim Gordon having a twin sister named Ginny. Is that a thing???
Okay, moving on to the villains.
Now, remember that this is supposed to take place in the days before Batman, but you can see from the casting sheet that some of Gotham’s most infamous criminals will be in place, in almost a larval state. You’ll probably recognize one of the names on the list:
Jack Napier (age 20): First thing first: Napier is just one of a dozen known aliases for this up-and-coming gangster. Slight of build, jittery; almost unable to sit still for extended periods. Highly unstable. Southern accent. Sassy. Very, very sassy. Extremely sassy. Seriously, we can’t overstate the sassy angle enough. He should be like Julia Sugarbaker from Designing Women, only male and times a million.
Okay, that’s… something. This is obviously meant to be the Joker before he becomes the Joker. And I guess sassy could be one interpretation of the character. I guess.
All right. One more. This one is just, I dunno. Just read it:
Joey (age 22): Handsome. Macho. Smug. Lives across the hall from Jim Gordon. Wants to be an actor. Actually, wants to be Al Pacino. Loves women, sports, women, Gotham, women, and most of all Joey.
That’s just… that’s just like a word-for-word rip-off of Joey from Friends, right? I mean, that’s just blatant stealing. And it doesn’t even make sense! Does Jim Gordon has a ditsy blonde friend who thinks she’s psychic, too? Does he go around saying “Could there BE any more corruption on this police force?”
Ugh.
Like I said, the basic premise of this show sounds cool, but I am seriously worried after reading this casting sheet.
Here’s hoping they figure it out.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Downton Abbey Season 4 SPOILERS!

Hi everyone!
I know, I know, it’s been a while since I put anything up here. But I had a baby! And he insisted on all this food and love and attention. But now he’s full grown, with a job and family of his own, so here I am.
I wasn’t sure what to write about at first, but then I stumbled across something literally too good not to share. So here goes!
I don’t know how many of you are Downton Abbey fans, but I am a total sucker for this show. And like most poor, pathetic Americans, I thought I’d have to wait until January to see the next season, even though it’s broadcasting right now over in Britain.
But I managed to get a look at the first episode! And it’s good! Really good! And I’m going to tell people all about it.
So if you hate spoilers (SPOILERS!) don’t read another damned word! But you should because it will totally be worth it.
Now, if you remember the end of last season, creator and writer Julian Fellowes had to… thin the herd a bit. A couple of key actors wanted to move on to other things, like movies, or maybe commercials for delicious butter, and Fellowes had to write them out of the show, permanently.
It would not be an overstatement to say that he was a teensy bit brutal about it. I mean, he literally showed Matthew Crowley’s Dan Stevens lying upside-down in a car, body broken, blood dripping out of his ears. Yeesh.
The result, of course, is heartbreak at Downton. Lady Mary is understandably shattered after losing both her sister (the good one, not the horrible one) and her true love in short order. The fourth season picks up six months after Matthew Crowley’s death, and Mary is living in a limbo of mourning.
After an opening sequence clearly establishes the bleak atmosphere hanging over Downton, it would be really easy to fall prey to the hope that Fellowes is ready to lift the mood a little.
This is not the case.
I’m not sure if there’s some other behind-the-scenes drama going on with the cast, or if Fellowes just developed a taste for blood after last season, but the man clearly has, as the British are fond of saying, his jams in a tort.
One scene after another just seems to twist the knife for everyone living at Downton. I wish I could show you some of these scenes, but I would probably be sued into the astral plane for doing so.
But, I am going to post a few snippets of the script that I got my hands on. I think you’ll be able to see what I mean pretty quickly:
......................

INT. DOWNTON ABBEY – LIBRARY
LORD GRANTHAM sits at his desk. He shuffles papers, disinterested. Sets them down with a sigh.
Sitting on one of the sofas, LADY MARY stares into space.
Lord Grantham watches her for a long, painful moment.
She does not notice.
ENTER CARSON
CARSON
The Dowager Countess, my Lord.
The DOWAGER steps inside. She looks more frail than the last time we’ve seen her, as if she’s aged a decade in just a few short months.
GRANTHAM
Thank you, Carson. Mother, do sit.
Despite her frail appearance, the Dowager immediately sees Mary’s condition. Her face softens with concern.
DOWAGER
Yes, I believe I will.
She sits.
DOWAGER
Hello, my dear.
Mary doesn’t seem to hear her. She continues to stare off.
The Dowager trades looks with Grantham. He shrugs, helplessly.
DOWAGER
How are we this morning?
Mary stares off. But she speaks.
MARY
Isn’t it strange, Grandmama?
DOWAGER
What is, my dear?
Mary looks at the Dowager now. Her eyes are without expression.
MARY
How, in the end, we really do get what we deserve.
DOWAGER
Nonsense, my dear. You don’t deserve this any more than I deserve an advanced case of leprosy.
MARY
Don’t I just? Matthew… didn’t want to be married to me. He was convinced that what had happened between him and Lavinia was… I talked him into it. Don’t you see? I talked him into betraying his own sense of honor, and decency. And look where it led him.
The Dowager looks to Grantham for guidance. He has none to give.
MARY
I did this. To Matthew, to the baby. It’s my fault.
DOWAGER
Mary! I understand what you’ve lost. But enough is enough, young lady!
The Dowager’s tone snaps Mary out of her trance.
DOWAGER
We’ve all seen our share of the tragic. The whole of England has. Would you say that they earned it? That this was some sort of retribution? Should we expect a flood next, perhaps?
The color rises in Mary’s cheeks.

MARY
I know you mean well, Grandmama. But perhaps your time would be better spent visiting with the baby.
The Dowager blinks back her reaction. With difficulty, she rises. Lord Grantham tries to help her up, but she swats him off.
DOWAGER
Yes. Perhaps it would.
The Dowager strides out of the library, but stops in the doorway and turns back.
DOWAGER
I would say this, before I depart. You can’t spend—
Suddenly, a GIANT BROWN BEAR leaps from the hallway, dragging the Dowager to the ground.
GRANTHAM
Mother!
......................

Can you believe it? A bear. Just, completely out of nowhere. Needless to say, the Dowager Countess doesn’t make it. She gets in a few good licks, and one really excellent zinger, but then, gone. I would be pissed if I were Maggie Smith’s agent.
After that, things only get worse. The Lord Grantham becomes obsessed with finding and killing the bear, and organizes a hunt on the grounds. Even the servants are brought into the effort, with Bates, Thomas, and Joseph all ending up in the same hunting party (awkward!). Lord Grantham gives one of his rousing speeches at the start of the hunt, but even with his brave words, you can tell right away that trouble lurks ahead:
......................

GRANTHAM
As you all know, I have dedicated my life to preserving the legacy of this place. But that dedication pales in comparison to my sacred duty to protect those who live and work herein. I cannot help but feel that I have lapsed in that duty of late. Perhaps it has been the grief of these too-unhappy months. But any such gap in my vigilance ends here, today. We will find the beast that took the Lady Dowager from us. We will find it, and we will destroy it.
THOMAS (sotto)
Poor bear oughta be knighted, you ask me. Service to his country.
BATES overhears Thomas’ remark, and pins him with an icy stare.
GRANTHAM
Now, we must use every caution. Aside from the danger of the bear itself, I needn’t remind any of you about the reports of the deranged troupe of circus performers who have been roaming the countryside, slaughtering and eating any man, woman, or child unlucky enough to cross their path. But I believe that this day will mark the end of a dark period in Downton’s history, and the beginning of a bright new future.

......................

Well, I think you can see that things only get worse. I mean, you can practically feel the tension between Thomas and Bates, can’t you? Brrrr!
I wish I could say this was the nadir, but honestly, it just gets darker from here. I won’t get into specifics, but if you have a weak stomach for beheadings (accidental and otherwise), you probably want to skip Episode 2 altogether.
Anyway, I don’t want to spoil the entire season for you. It really is very good.
Just… y’know. A little bleak.  

Sunday, April 1, 2012

J.K. Rowling Holds Press Conference on New Book Series

Hi kids!

So, the other day, I heard that J.K. Rowling was working on a new book, and I could only imagine what it must be like to try to create anything under the shadow of Harry Potter.

This is my take on her first press conference to discuss her new book. (This is satire, obviously.)


INT. CONVENTION CENTER - DAY

A books and authors convention. A large conference hall is
jam-packed, standing room only.

A woman approaches the podium, and the place goes nuts. You'd
think she was Elvis.

She's better than Elvis. She's JK ROWLING.

                  ROWLING
          Thank you. Thank you very much.
          Thank you. Thank you. Thanks so
          much. Thank you.

The applause roars on.

                  ROWLING (CONT'D)
          Thanks ever so much. Thank you.
          Wow. Thank you very much. Please.
          That's-- thank you. If you could
          all... thank you.

No dent in the applause-o-meter.

                  ROWLING (CONT'D)
          My goodness. Thank you. All right
          now. I-- if everyone could just...
          thanks so much. Thank you. I...
              (terse)
          Perhaps we could sit?

The applause fades out to a polite murmur. Random shouts of
"We love you!" and "You changed my life!"

                  ROWLING (CONT'D)
          Yes. All right. Thanks very much
          for that. I've always felt very
          fortunate in my fans. It has been a
          tremendous source of joy and
          strength for me, to know that so
          many of you have been so deeply
          touched by my work.

Burst of applause. It goes on for a bit. She rides it out.

                  ROWLING (CONT'D)
          Thank you. And now, as it were, I'm
          beginning a new chapter in my work.
          I don't want to give too much away,
          but I hope that many of you will be
          joining me on this new journey, as
          you joined me on our adventures
          with a certain boy wizard.

Sustained applause. She grin-and-bears it.

                  ROWLING (CONT'D)
          Thank you very much. Now, I know
          this new story may not be for all
          of you. Honestly, it's been quite
          tempting just to stay in Harry's
          world forever, continuing to build
          on what, I feel at least, to be a
          complete story. But at the same
          time, I feel that, as a writer, I
          owe it to myself to grow beyond
          that. I owe it to all of you to
          grow beyond that, and to give you a
          chance to grow with me, into new
          worlds and new experiences.

No reaction from the crowd. She moves on.

                  ROWLING (CONT'D)
          And while the magic of the
          wizarding world has provided a
          thrilling canvas for my writing, I
          also believe that there are other
          types of magic out there that are
          just as thrilling. The simple magic
          that can exist between two people,
          in the form of love, or duty, or
          sacrifice. And it's this simple
          magic, this everyday wonder, that I
          hope to explore in my next work.

Nothing from the audience. Good? Bad?

                  ROWLING (CONT'D)
          Right. Um. So, again, I don't want
          to give too much away, but if any
          of you have questions, I'd be happy
          - oh my! Quite a few of you. Great.
          You, there in the... In the cloak.
          No, next to you. Yes. You. Can we
          get him a microphone?

                  CLOAK
          So, does Harry not appear in the
          first book of this new series?

                  ROWLING
          No.. Harry doesn't appear in any
          book of the series, actually. He's
          not in it.

                  CLOAK
          He's just in the background, then?

                  ROWLING
          No, I -- I'm sorry. This isn't a
          Harry Potter story. It's going to
          be a completely new thing. Yes, the
          gentleman with the beard here, up
          front. Go ahead.

                  BEARD
          You spoke of this simpler form of
          magic, as in the love between two
          people...

                  ROWLING
          Yes?

                  BEARD
          Is this the Amortentia potion?

                  ROWLING
          Um... no. It isn't. That potion--
          this is an entirely new world, with
          new characters. There's no magic in
          it, in the sense of the Harry
          Potter stories. How about someone
          else, someone in just a T-shirt or
          something. Yes, you, lovely.

                  T-SHIRT
          So does Voldemort come to this new
          world, because he knows they don't
          have the magic to fight back?

                  ROWLING
          Christ, no. No no no. There is no
          Voldemort in this story. This has
          nothing to do with Harry Potter, or
          any Harry Potter characters, or
          anything in the Harry Potter world
          or books or stories, or video
          games, or movies, or comic books.
          None of it. This is a completely
          new thing that I'm trying to write.
          It's completely new. Do you
          understand? A completely new thing.
              (gathers herself)
          Okay. Now, you, the young lady
          here. Go ahead.

                  YOUNG LADY
          Is Hermione in it?

                  ROWLING
          I don't-- did you not hear me, just
          now? No, Hermione is not in it. No
          one from Harry Potter is in it.

                  YOUNG LADY
          But there will be at least one
          strong female character?

                  ROWLING
          Yes. Yes! Absolutely. In fact, the
          female lead in this story is
          brilliant. She absolutely is.
          Strong, independent, compassionate.
          She goes to tremendous depths on
          her journey. I really think you'll
          find a lot to love in her. I do.

                  YOUNG LADY
          Is she top of her wizarding class?

                  ROWLING
          No, no, she's -- there is no
          wizarding in this book. There's no
          magic, no Hogwarts--
              (1000 hands go up)
          --no OTHER wizarding schools--
              (hands all go down)
          She's just a simple, ordinary girl
          in an extraordinary circumstance.

                  YOUNG LADY
          So she doesn't know she's a wizard?

                  ROWLING
          She is not a wizard.

                  YOUNG LADY
          So she's a muggle?

                  ROWLING
          Good christ, there are no wizards
          in this story. There is no magic.
          Do you get that?

                  YOUNG LADY
          So everyone's a muggle?

                  ROWLING
          No, there are no muggles, either.
          That word doesn't exist in this
          world. Magic doesn't exist, so
          there's no difference between
          anyone, based on magic. Okay?
          None of that is in this world. None
          of it. No magic. No Harry. No
          wizards. None of it. Yes, you, in
          the vest.

                  VEST
          Can Luke Skywalker be in it?

                  ROWLING
          ... I'm sorry?

                  VEST
          I just think it would be awesome if
          Luke Skywalker and Harry Potter
          could fight each other.

                  ROWLING
          No. That's not... I'm not writing
          that... Please, are there any other
          questions?

All hands go up.

                  ROWLING (CONT'D)
          I am not answering a question about
          who would win in a fight between
          Luke Skywalker and Harry Potter.

Most of the hands go down.

                  ROWLING (CONT'D)
          All right, you, in the sweater.

                  SWEATER
          After you finish this new series,
          do you think you'll ever go back
          and revisit Harry Potter?

The audience falls dead silent. Rowling takes a deep breath.

                  ROWLING
          ... I bloody well suppose I have
          to, don't I?

The crowd explodes to its feet, cheering.

Rowing gives them a weak wave of thanks, and slumps away,
backstage.

                  ROWLING (O.C.) (CONT'D)
          Someone get me a bloody drink!
                                                
                                                        END.