Tuesday, July 1, 2008

The Lord Giveth, and the Lord Taketh Away...eth

Well, hot on the heels of my BLISTERING TRIUMPH that was my 3rd place finish in the NYCMidnight Screenwriter's Challenge, I received a rejection notice on a short story I had submitted for publication a couple weeks ago. It was a lighthearted sci-fi tale that was clearly both:

A: Too awesome for publication


B: Dangerously ahead of its time.

Now, I'm no Garth Merenghi, but I humbly submit that this story, this REJECTED story, is the single greatest achievement in human literature since the original, unrated version of the Old Testament. In fact, I'm going beyond that, because this was clearly the pinnacle of all human achievement, period.

You know what? Fuck it. You starfish and paramecium and zebras feel so fucking smug because I didn't include you in the above statement? Well stop smiling, you monochromatic equestrian rejects, (that was directed at the zebras -- paramecium and starfish... you'll get yours next time) I'm calling you out.

I challenge, nay, dare, I DARE any non-human species, be it mammalian, fungal, vegetable, mythical, mytho-vegetable, WHATEVER -- I DARE you to write anything even approaching the level of quality of the story that was so coldly rejected by the so-called editor of the so-called magazine to which I so-called submitted. Let's see you do it. Let's see. Let's. Go ahead. I'll wait. I'm waiting.

Because, I didn't... I didn't even want to submit my story. I was doing you people a favor. A nice favor. For free (except for the honorarium).

But you know what? Fine. That's what. It's fine. It's all fine. I'll just sit here, radiating brilliance like some Apollonian love child, and you just reject my work. Because I don't even like you anymore. And I don't need you or your big dumb magazine, and I'm not crying, I'm just being brilliant, and brilliant people's eyes sweat when they're being brilliant, because it's hard work being brilliant, except for me, because it's easy for me, but I make my eyes sweat anyway because I don't want other people to feel bad because of how brilliant I am. So shut up!

Currently Listening to: I'm not listening to anything. Music is dumb. Leave me alone.