Thursday, October 27, 2011

Samuel L. Jackson is... Willy Wonka!

Photoshop by Silverhair1960 for
Have you ever wondered what Charlie and the Chocolate Factory would be like with Samuel L. Jackson cast as Willy Wonka? 

Yeah, I hadn't either until a friend of mine made a random comment the other day... so then I wrote this:

Charlie: Where are we going, Mr. Wonka?

Wonka: Where are we goin? Where are we GOIN? How about you get in the muthf**in' elevator, and you find out when we get to the muthaf**ka? That's where we're goin.

Charlie: But what about the other children?

Wonka: Charlie, lemme spell this out for you. You ever come up on some river that was floodin' its banks?

Charlie: Y-yes?

Wonka: Well those other children? Those are like the stones you step on to get to the other side, before that river washes your ass downstream.

Charlie: You mean, you're just going to leave them like that?

Wonka: Leave them like that? Charlie, those corrupt muthaf**kas always been like that. I just revealed their true forms: "But on the day that Lot left Sodom, God rained fire and brimstone from the sky and destroyed them all. Exactly so will it be on the day that the veil is lifted from the Son of Man."

Charlie: Ummm…


Wonka: Here's our floor!

(No, I hadn't seen that image before I wrote this. The internet simply contains all possible outcomes to all possible human action. Especially the ones that involve Photoshop.)

Friday, October 14, 2011

Things that need a new diaper, according to my 21-month old son

My toddler is obsessed with diapers. I suppose that's a normal part of being a toddler; the body functions in weird and wonderful ways, and hopefully this will all segue nicely into some trouble-free potty training.

Him: "New diaper. Put on."
Me: "Later, buddy. You just got a new diaper."
Him: "New diaper. Now!"
Me: "How about we give you a pretend diaper?"
Him: "Real diaper. Now!"

It's not just him, though. Everything needs a new diaper, all the time. Here's just a partial list of things that need a new diaper on a daily basis, according to my son:

  • His stuffed monkey needs a new diaper
  • His stuffed giraffe needs a new diaper
  • His stuffed anything, really -- they all need new diapers
  • Characters in books need new diapers
  • The fan needs a new diaper.
  • The numbers on the microwave need new diapers.
  • The car needs new diapers. The car actually goes through a lot of diapers. I mentioned it to our mechanic, but he couldn't find the problem.
  • The characters ON HIS DIAPERS need new diapers. Trippy.
Luckily for us, we can usually appease him with pretend diapers. We wave our hands over the new-diaper-needing object/concept, make some whooshy noises, and hand the imaginary diaper to him.

"Put this in the pretend trash."

He throws the "diaper" over his shoulder.

"Good job. Now what?"

He'll point to the desk: "New diaper. Now!"

(Photo by jeti87)

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Think.... or Butter!

Occasionally, I have brilliant ideas in my sleep. Here's the one I had last night.

Imagine a game show, a little bit like Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. You answer questions, and as the dollar values go up, they increase in difficulty, eventually reaching a million dollars and MOST EXTREME DIFFICULTY.

Only, instead of lifelines, you have butter. Rich, creamy butter. Salted or unsalted -- it's your choice.

If you can't answer a question, you can move on to the next dollar amount by successfully eating a stick of butter. You only can only do this a few times, though -- say, five. And each time you "Go Butter," the amount increases. So the first time, you eat one stick of butter. But the second time, you have to eat two sticks of butter. By the time you get to the fifth time, you have to eat five sticks of butter. After that, you're on your own (both in terms of answering questions, and medically speaking.)

I think EVERYONE in AMERICA would watch this show. It is going to be huge. And laugh if you must, but when you turn on your TV next year, and you see the words Think... Or BUTTER! splash across the screen, know that I am sitting in my mansion somewhere, having the last laugh. While enjoying a nice cool bar of unsalted.

(photo by superfloss)