So, the other day, I heard that J.K. Rowling was working on a new book, and I could only imagine what it must be like to try to create anything under the shadow of Harry Potter.
This is my take on her first press conference to discuss her new book. (This is satire, obviously.)
INT. CONVENTION CENTER - DAY
A books and authors convention. A large conference hall is
jam-packed, standing room only.
A woman approaches the podium, and the place goes nuts. You'd
think she was Elvis.
She's better than Elvis. She's JK ROWLING.
ROWLING
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Thank you. Thank you. Thanks so
much. Thank you.
The applause roars on.
ROWLING (CONT'D)
Thanks ever so much. Thank you.
Wow. Thank you very much. Please.
That's-- thank you. If you could
all... thank you.
No dent in the applause-o-meter.
ROWLING (CONT'D)
My goodness. Thank you. All right
now. I-- if everyone could just...
thanks so much. Thank you. I...
(terse)
Perhaps we could sit?
The applause fades out to a polite murmur. Random shouts of
"We love you!" and "You changed my life!"
ROWLING (CONT'D)
Yes. All right. Thanks very much
for that. I've always felt very
fortunate in my fans. It has been a
tremendous source of joy and
strength for me, to know that so
many of you have been so deeply
touched by my work.
Burst of applause. It goes on for a bit. She rides it out.
ROWLING (CONT'D)
Thank you. And now, as it were, I'm
beginning a new chapter in my work.
I don't want to give too much away,
but I hope that many of you will be
joining me on this new journey, as
you joined me on our adventures
with a certain boy wizard.
Sustained applause. She grin-and-bears it.
ROWLING (CONT'D)
Thank you very much. Now, I know
this new story may not be for all
of you. Honestly, it's been quite
tempting just to stay in Harry's
world forever, continuing to build
on what, I feel at least, to be a
complete story. But at the same
time, I feel that, as a writer, I
owe it to myself to grow beyond
that. I owe it to all of you to
grow beyond that, and to give you a
chance to grow with me, into new
worlds and new experiences.
No reaction from the crowd. She moves on.
ROWLING (CONT'D)
And while the magic of the
wizarding world has provided a
thrilling canvas for my writing, I
also believe that there are other
types of magic out there that are
just as thrilling. The simple magic
that can exist between two people,
in the form of love, or duty, or
sacrifice. And it's this simple
magic, this everyday wonder, that I
hope to explore in my next work.
Nothing from the audience. Good? Bad?
ROWLING (CONT'D)
Right. Um. So, again, I don't want
to give too much away, but if any
of you have questions, I'd be happy
- oh my! Quite a few of you. Great.
You, there in the... In the cloak.
No, next to you. Yes. You. Can we
get him a microphone?
CLOAK
So, does Harry not appear in the
first book of this new series?
ROWLING
No.. Harry doesn't appear in any
book of the series, actually. He's
not in it.
CLOAK
He's just in the background, then?
ROWLING
No, I -- I'm sorry. This isn't a
Harry Potter story. It's going to
be a completely new thing. Yes, the
gentleman with the beard here, up
front. Go ahead.
BEARD
You spoke of this simpler form of
magic, as in the love between two
people...
ROWLING
Yes?
BEARD
Is this the Amortentia potion?
ROWLING
Um... no. It isn't. That potion--
this is an entirely new world, with
new characters. There's no magic in
it, in the sense of the Harry
Potter stories. How about someone
else, someone in just a T-shirt or
something. Yes, you, lovely.
T-SHIRT
So does Voldemort come to this new
world, because he knows they don't
have the magic to fight back?
ROWLING
Christ, no. No no no. There is no
Voldemort in this story. This has
nothing to do with Harry Potter, or
any Harry Potter characters, or
anything in the Harry Potter world
or books or stories, or video
games, or movies, or comic books.
None of it. This is a completely
new thing that I'm trying to write.
It's completely new. Do you
understand? A completely new thing.
(gathers herself)
Okay. Now, you, the young lady
here. Go ahead.
YOUNG LADY
Is Hermione in it?
ROWLING
I don't-- did you not hear me, just
now? No, Hermione is not in it. No
one from Harry Potter is in it.
YOUNG LADY
But there will be at least one
strong female character?
ROWLING
Yes. Yes! Absolutely. In fact, the
female lead in this story is
brilliant. She absolutely is.
Strong, independent, compassionate.
She goes to tremendous depths on
her journey. I really think you'll
find a lot to love in her. I do.
YOUNG LADY
Is she top of her wizarding class?
ROWLING
No, no, she's -- there is no
wizarding in this book. There's no
magic, no Hogwarts--
(1000 hands go up)
--no OTHER wizarding schools--
(hands all go down)
She's just a simple, ordinary girl
in an extraordinary circumstance.
YOUNG LADY
So she doesn't know she's a wizard?
ROWLING
She is not a wizard.
YOUNG LADY
So she's a muggle?
ROWLING
Good christ, there are no wizards
in this story. There is no magic.
Do you get that?
YOUNG LADY
So everyone's a muggle?
ROWLING
No, there are no muggles, either.
That word doesn't exist in this
world. Magic doesn't exist, so
there's no difference between
anyone, based on magic. Okay?
None of that is in this world. None
of it. No magic. No Harry. No
wizards. None of it. Yes, you, in
the vest.
VEST
Can Luke Skywalker be in it?
ROWLING
... I'm sorry?
VEST
I just think it would be awesome if
Luke Skywalker and Harry Potter
could fight each other.
ROWLING
No. That's not... I'm not writing
that... Please, are there any other
questions?
All hands go up.
ROWLING (CONT'D)
I am not answering a question about
who would win in a fight between
Luke Skywalker and Harry Potter.
Most of the hands go down.
ROWLING (CONT'D)
All right, you, in the sweater.
SWEATER
After you finish this new series,
do you think you'll ever go back
and revisit Harry Potter?
The audience falls dead silent. Rowling takes a deep breath.
ROWLING
... I bloody well suppose I have
to, don't I?
The crowd explodes to its feet, cheering.
Rowing gives them a weak wave of thanks, and slumps away,
backstage.
ROWLING (O.C.) (CONT'D)
Someone get me a bloody drink!
