Sunday, April 1, 2012

J.K. Rowling Holds Press Conference on New Book Series

Hi kids!

So, the other day, I heard that J.K. Rowling was working on a new book, and I could only imagine what it must be like to try to create anything under the shadow of Harry Potter.

This is my take on her first press conference to discuss her new book. (This is satire, obviously.)


A books and authors convention. A large conference hall is
jam-packed, standing room only.

A woman approaches the podium, and the place goes nuts. You'd
think she was Elvis.

She's better than Elvis. She's JK ROWLING.

          Thank you. Thank you very much.
          Thank you. Thank you. Thanks so
          much. Thank you.

The applause roars on.

                  ROWLING (CONT'D)
          Thanks ever so much. Thank you.
          Wow. Thank you very much. Please.
          That's-- thank you. If you could
          all... thank you.

No dent in the applause-o-meter.

                  ROWLING (CONT'D)
          My goodness. Thank you. All right
          now. I-- if everyone could just...
          thanks so much. Thank you. I...
          Perhaps we could sit?

The applause fades out to a polite murmur. Random shouts of
"We love you!" and "You changed my life!"

                  ROWLING (CONT'D)
          Yes. All right. Thanks very much
          for that. I've always felt very
          fortunate in my fans. It has been a
          tremendous source of joy and
          strength for me, to know that so
          many of you have been so deeply
          touched by my work.

Burst of applause. It goes on for a bit. She rides it out.

                  ROWLING (CONT'D)
          Thank you. And now, as it were, I'm
          beginning a new chapter in my work.
          I don't want to give too much away,
          but I hope that many of you will be
          joining me on this new journey, as
          you joined me on our adventures
          with a certain boy wizard.

Sustained applause. She grin-and-bears it.

                  ROWLING (CONT'D)
          Thank you very much. Now, I know
          this new story may not be for all
          of you. Honestly, it's been quite
          tempting just to stay in Harry's
          world forever, continuing to build
          on what, I feel at least, to be a
          complete story. But at the same
          time, I feel that, as a writer, I
          owe it to myself to grow beyond
          that. I owe it to all of you to
          grow beyond that, and to give you a
          chance to grow with me, into new
          worlds and new experiences.

No reaction from the crowd. She moves on.

                  ROWLING (CONT'D)
          And while the magic of the
          wizarding world has provided a
          thrilling canvas for my writing, I
          also believe that there are other
          types of magic out there that are
          just as thrilling. The simple magic
          that can exist between two people,
          in the form of love, or duty, or
          sacrifice. And it's this simple
          magic, this everyday wonder, that I
          hope to explore in my next work.

Nothing from the audience. Good? Bad?

                  ROWLING (CONT'D)
          Right. Um. So, again, I don't want
          to give too much away, but if any
          of you have questions, I'd be happy
          - oh my! Quite a few of you. Great.
          You, there in the... In the cloak.
          No, next to you. Yes. You. Can we
          get him a microphone?

          So, does Harry not appear in the
          first book of this new series?

          No.. Harry doesn't appear in any
          book of the series, actually. He's
          not in it.

          He's just in the background, then?

          No, I -- I'm sorry. This isn't a
          Harry Potter story. It's going to
          be a completely new thing. Yes, the
          gentleman with the beard here, up
          front. Go ahead.

          You spoke of this simpler form of
          magic, as in the love between two


          Is this the Amortentia potion?

          Um... no. It isn't. That potion--
          this is an entirely new world, with
          new characters. There's no magic in
          it, in the sense of the Harry
          Potter stories. How about someone
          else, someone in just a T-shirt or
          something. Yes, you, lovely.

          So does Voldemort come to this new
          world, because he knows they don't
          have the magic to fight back?

          Christ, no. No no no. There is no
          Voldemort in this story. This has
          nothing to do with Harry Potter, or
          any Harry Potter characters, or
          anything in the Harry Potter world
          or books or stories, or video
          games, or movies, or comic books.
          None of it. This is a completely
          new thing that I'm trying to write.
          It's completely new. Do you
          understand? A completely new thing.
              (gathers herself)
          Okay. Now, you, the young lady
          here. Go ahead.

                  YOUNG LADY
          Is Hermione in it?

          I don't-- did you not hear me, just
          now? No, Hermione is not in it. No
          one from Harry Potter is in it.

                  YOUNG LADY
          But there will be at least one
          strong female character?

          Yes. Yes! Absolutely. In fact, the
          female lead in this story is
          brilliant. She absolutely is.
          Strong, independent, compassionate.
          She goes to tremendous depths on
          her journey. I really think you'll
          find a lot to love in her. I do.

                  YOUNG LADY
          Is she top of her wizarding class?

          No, no, she's -- there is no
          wizarding in this book. There's no
          magic, no Hogwarts--
              (1000 hands go up)
          --no OTHER wizarding schools--
              (hands all go down)
          She's just a simple, ordinary girl
          in an extraordinary circumstance.

                  YOUNG LADY
          So she doesn't know she's a wizard?

          She is not a wizard.

                  YOUNG LADY
          So she's a muggle?

          Good christ, there are no wizards
          in this story. There is no magic.
          Do you get that?

                  YOUNG LADY
          So everyone's a muggle?

          No, there are no muggles, either.
          That word doesn't exist in this
          world. Magic doesn't exist, so
          there's no difference between
          anyone, based on magic. Okay?
          None of that is in this world. None
          of it. No magic. No Harry. No
          wizards. None of it. Yes, you, in
          the vest.

          Can Luke Skywalker be in it?

          ... I'm sorry?

          I just think it would be awesome if
          Luke Skywalker and Harry Potter
          could fight each other.

          No. That's not... I'm not writing
          that... Please, are there any other

All hands go up.

                  ROWLING (CONT'D)
          I am not answering a question about
          who would win in a fight between
          Luke Skywalker and Harry Potter.

Most of the hands go down.

                  ROWLING (CONT'D)
          All right, you, in the sweater.

          After you finish this new series,
          do you think you'll ever go back
          and revisit Harry Potter?

The audience falls dead silent. Rowling takes a deep breath.

          ... I bloody well suppose I have
          to, don't I?

The crowd explodes to its feet, cheering.

Rowing gives them a weak wave of thanks, and slumps away,

                  ROWLING (O.C.) (CONT'D)
          Someone get me a bloody drink!